I seem to have spent an inordinate amount of time naked on the golf course this month! And if that comes as a shock to you, I can assure you that it was even more of a shock to me.

If there is an advert for the Great British reserve – it’s me! I spend less time denuded in a day than it takes for Usain Bolt to run a few metres, so heaven knows what possessed me when I woke up one morning and decided to do a naked golf calendar.

I doubt that any golf club is free from knowing someone who has had breast cancer, and it seems that my age group – the late-40s, early-50s brigade – just seems to be the hardest hit by it at the moment.

Several of my friends at Trentham have suffered from the ravages of the disease, and Sue Turner, stalwart of Staffordshire and Wales, died last year aged 50.

So, I decided that our age group should do something to help.

As if doing a naked calendar wasn’t enough of a challenge in itself, I thought I would make it even more complicated by using the rules of golf at the same time, since many golfers – even seasoned players – still don’t seem to know even fundamental rules. However, I am confident that after staring at one of these rules every day for a month, you are unlikely to forget it again!

Ringing people to ask how they felt about taking their clothes off on the golf course elicited many responses, but the one which made me laugh the most was the lady who unhesitatingly said yes, but with the stipulation that I gave her enough warning so that she could have her eyelashes done! The prospect of skipping round the course in my birthday suit was fairly terrifying to me, so the thought that someone else was only worried about how big her eyes might look was quite frankly – well, eye opening!

Borrowing a buggy the next day without admitting why, eyelash lady (alias our vice captain) and I headed off to a quiet corner of the course to compose our first shot. I needed a pond and a life-saving orange ring to preserve her modesty – not actually realising quite how big the hole in the centre of it was! After a few bouts of hysterical giggling, and a few cries of “I’m never going to get to be lady captain now” we were quite pleased with our first efforts.

Thus we boldly drove back to where we had left the rest of our props. I had a basic idea of what rules to use, and some props to accompany them, but didn’t know if they would work until we staged them first.

Buoyed by our first triumph, I spotted a perfect bunker for the next shot, so my model skipped out in a spritely fashion, wearing only a rhubarb leaf and a rake. And this is where it all started to go wrong!

Until she picked it up, I hadn’t realised just how small rakes are, or how far apart the teeth are, and at the same time, I spotted a men’s fourball who had sneaked unnoticed onto a tee about 130 yards away.

I wasn’t sure if they had seen us, but as we drove back to the clubhouse later, they were sitting outside having a drink.

Being asked what you have been up to isn’t easy to reply to with an innocent “nothing!” when you get out of the buggy with a table, a wilted rhubarb leaf, a ball pyramid and a bird headcover!
Incidentally, a rhubarb leaf is an incredibly challenging prop since it wilts so quickly in the heat, and a cunning idea to restore its rigidity in the freezer made the situation 10 times worse when it went black with frost bite and then fell apart completely! Incidentally, a rhubarb leaf is an incredibly challenging prop since it wilts so quickly in the heat, and a cunning idea to restore its rigidity in the freezer made the situation 10 times worse when it went black with frost bite and then fell apart completely!

My father’s rhubarb patch is now decimated as I needed so many back ups.

However, we had clearly been scuppered as one of the men mentioned that as they were standing on the tee someone said: “She looks very orange” (when obviously spotted carrying the ring). Then another one said: “What is she doing with that rake? And why hasn’t she got any clothes on?”

Personally, I would have asked that question the other way round, but I couldn’t go to sleep that night, because the bed started shaking as I kept giggling at the thought of their conversation!

Now that word was out, I then panicked at not having asked permission first.

As my long list of golf club misdemeanours grows, I thought that being spotted ‘au naturel’ out on the course would probably top them all, so I immediately went to confess to the secretary before I was ‘invited’ to see him! Fortunately, he found it very amusing, and I liked his reply that being naked wasn’t actually in the club protocol.

The next evening I was out there again with someone else, and she also took my photos. As I only had a very short time before the next men were going to come into view, she helpfully suggested a code word of “oh my word it’s getting hot out here” if she spotted them.

That’s not a word, it’s an epistle! I was thinking more along the lines of a stifled scream or “HIDE!”
When we changed locations for a different shot in a more exposed location, she also helpfully said she had moved the buggy nearer so that I could dive into it if someone came.

I spotted an immediate flaw in her well-intentioned plan. Just in case you ever happen to find yourself naked on the course and need to hide, don’t choose something with no sides and a clear Perspex windscreen!

Alas, I don’t have enough space to cover all the stories – such as the two men who called back in alarm to ask if we had seen anyone go into the water after they spotted my shoes on the bank, and thought there might have been a body in there.

But I just hope that we end up making thousands of pounds for the Pink Ribbon Foundation. Now that’s the true definition of naked ambition!

Get your copy of the calendar

Want to support the Pink Ribbon foundation by buying Madeleine’s calendar?
A copy costs £7 plus £1.50 p&p. Please send cheques made payable to M. C Winnett to Trentham Golf Club, 14 Barlaston Old Rd, Trentham, Stoke-on-Trent, Staffs, ST14 8HB.
All proceeds go to the Pink Ribbon Foundation for Breast Cancer.
Madeleine adds that if anyone wants to send an SAE that would save her lots of work!

Lady Golfer’s equipment expert is a Staffordshire county player and never short of a forthright opinion on the game!

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